How to lose weight surely and rapidly

1. Have your boyfriend break up with you suddenly and preferably over a text message.
2. Get the flu

I hate dieting and I dread even thinking about the day when my metabolism will slow down so much that I won't be able to eat fast food whenever I want--not that I really ever eat fast food--or go out to watch the Saints game and down an entire order of loaded potato cheese fries and hamburger AND three beers. Actually, if I didn't dance three or four days a week or let depression effect my eating habits I would probably have to worry about that kind of food intake now. But back to the point: the great thing about the depression/illness method is that you often don't realize you're not eating and also can tend to exercise more often if only to keep from thinking about the thing that is making you depressed. Perfect, huh? I mean, the worst part of dieting is actually knowing that you're dieting because you are thinking about all the food you wish you could be eating but now can't eat. If you're not hungry, then you don't feel like you're missing out out on anything. In fact, you're forcing yourself to consume that tuna sandwich because you have to sustain yourself somehow.


I didn't say these were nice ways, I said they were "sure" and "rapid" ways to shed pounds. I wouldn't necessarily recommend it, but it's a perk to keep in mind if ever you find yourself ill or depressed within an inch of your life.