I am sorry.

I came across a paper that I wrote about my own character yesterday while searching my archives for a decent writing sample to send with my graduate school applications. After reading through the 5 pages of honest criticism, I realized to my disappointment that effects of that life-shattering moment in self-realization have not resulted in the formation of a deeper more stable character. I am just as scared and unstable, arrogant and willful. How depressing. I do realize my character flaws, but I don't know how to fix them. Or maybe I'm too lazy and emotional to think to seriously about it. The worst part about it is that I find myself guilty of the same behavior I despise most in other people--that is the callousness towards the feelings and well-being of others. I do want the best for people, but I am so easily angered by other people's bad behavior that I allow it to alter mine and I become just like them. How do I get out of this pattern? I wonder if it will take forming a habit of altering my perception of most people, which honestly is very negative at this point.

But how, then, do you teach yourself not to be afraid? It is said that with God at our side we should not have to be afraid, but I've always felt afraid. Fear is at the very base of every single action I regret. Fear of hurting someone's feelings just causes you to hurt them more deeply. Fear of a conversation just makes the inevitable more difficult. Fear of failing just makes you less relaxed and more apt, in fact, to fail at what you're doing.

So the answer is Do Not Be Afraid. Say what needs to be said. Do what needs to be done. Above all, operate this way among the rest of the population who likely haven't really thought about this. Wonderful.

I have to apologize to nearly every guy I have come into contact with in the past 2 months. I am sorry that I cannot live up to what you might have thought of me; but I am moving river underneath an iced surface. If you dig too deeply, you'll likely drown. I have unfairly and selfishly invited people close to me knowing that my ice is thin, but I'm telling you now to keep off. Better to visit me in the spring.